You’ve seen the Saw movies? There’s like a dozen of them. Well, even if you hadn’t, by this point you’re surely familiar with the eponymous villain of the series, named Jigsaw. (Hell, there’s even a movie called Jigsaw commemorating this guy. Correction: monster, not guy).
But anyways, like many other fictional characters who achieved celebrity status, Jigsaw has become a sort of trope, and the internet has – of course – assimilated him. And when the internet assimilates you, you become just like the internet. Basically, you do everything the internet does, you say everything the internet tells you to say, you even go online dating if you have to. (That’s where, probably, the similarities between the internet and Star Trek‘s the Borg end. Or do they? Who’s to say that the Borg don’t have their own type of online dating functionality? There’s no offline dating for them, so there’s that.)
So, speaking of online dating, someone, somewhere, decided to roleplay as Jigsaw on Tinder (thanks 9GAG!), and see what would happen. Would he land a date? Will his suave, persuasive directness channeled in ALL CAPS win over the ladies’ hearts? Will his ultimatums, insults disguised as hard-hitting truths and emotional blackmailing techniques help him find the love of his life? Who knows.
I wonder if he actually lands on a Jigsaw girl, or a Jigsaw guy (depending if out Jigsaw impersonator is gay or not). But what if… he is actually a she?
God, the possibilities make my head hurt! OR MAYBE HE IS THE ACTUAL, REAL JIGSAW. MAYBE, PUNY HUMAN, HE WILL FORCE YOU TO PLAY REAL GAMES, UNLIKE THOSE YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE PRETENDING TO PLAY ON YOUR PUNY DATING GAMES DISGUISED AS APPS, PUNY HUMAN. LIFE IS BUT A GAME, PUNY HUMAN, AND YOU LOST.
Well. Only one way to find out! Let’s see how well our guy Jigsaw here did with 21st-century dating.
Mr. Jigsaw’s Tinder Profile. Who would swipe right?
Well, Courtney did. Well played, Courtney.
Life is not all lol and games, Courtney.
Let’s be honest here, if Jigsaw can’t make you find Jesus, who will?
Courtney found Jesus, man. Game over!
Feeling heartbroken, Jigsaw decided to give Amanda a chance.
But, Amanda started suggesting inappropriate things!
Alas, when he displayed indignant anger at this, Amanda called him a puppet and a loser.
Well… There, there! Plenty of fish in the sea, Jigsaw!
But then, a new hope arrived. Her name was Nancy.
Naturally, our supervillain jumped at the opportunity to make her a better person.
But it turned out that Nancy had no concept of personal space or boundaries.
All Jiggy could do was to keep yelling at her in caps.
… But, she wouldn’t listen and continued being inappropriate. NEXT!
Jigsaw 4: Pamela’s Plight
Pamela wasn’t the sharpest pencil around.
You’re*. Gee, she’s not good enough for you man!
But plot-twist: Pamela totally solved Jigsaw’s kind little heart!
And he was thrown off-balance:
But little did she know of Jiggy’s flirty ways…
Another girl who isn’t into dirty hypodermic needles! Unbelievable!
After this, our beloved villain uninstalled the stupid Tinder app and went back to trapping people in real life!