Married life comes with its ups and downs. You’re lucky if you find the one, but if you find the one, AND they’re unspeakably hillarious, then you’ve hit the jackpot.
And praise Twitter, for being there so the most hillarious married couples can share their best and worst days with us.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) June 3, 2015
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 23, 2015
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
— 🕸ÜRSÜLÄ(S)🕸 (@3sunzzz) June 6, 2016
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
— keith (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015